Reflection for a New Year
Rev. Lee Ann Bryce
Community Christian Church
December 31, 2011
Bronnie Ware worked for many years in palliative care with those who were terminally ill. And like many hospice workers, she writes that she shared some extraordinary times with people who were preparing for their own deaths. People usually grow when they are faced with their own mortality. It depends on the person, of course. Some grow a lot and with others it’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on. Ware observed some phenomenal changes in people and found that each person experienced a variety of emotions - denial, fear, anger, remorse, and at least with the patients she worked with, eventually acceptance.
She asked every patient if they had any regrets about their lives or if there was anything they would do differently. Some common themes surfaced again and again. Specifically, she identified five regrets commonly held by people who knew they were about to die.
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all and it’s not surprising. I think we all tend to think of our lives in the short term. There are things we want to do or ways we want to be that we never seem to get to because there’s always something else that’s more pressing, that we think is more important. But when people realize their lives are almost over, all those unfulfilled dreams are easier to see. Some dreams are difficult to make happen, but many of them can become reality if we set our minds to it and if we make certain choices to make them happen. It’s very important to try and honor at least some of our dreams along the way because from the moment you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom that very few of us realize and appreciate until it’s too late.
What dreams for your life could become a priority for you in 2012?
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
Ware reports that every male patient that she nursed had this regret, as well as some female patients. They said they missed much of their children’s youth or the companionship of people they cared about. The Bible speaks to this in the book of Ecclesiastes, found in the middle of the Old Testament. It essentially is one person’s account, a man probably, of an experiment he conducted in honesty. He looked over every aspect of life, all human endeavor, attempting to discern what endures, what lasts. His experiment in honesty yielded a somber result. “I considered all that my hands had done and toil I had spent in doing it, and again, all was vanity and a chasing after the wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun” (Eccl. 2:11). Ecclesiastes goes on to say that even though little of what we accomplish lasts, we shouldn’t quit working. On the contrary, we should vigorously engage in everything we do, including our work. The work of our hands is one of the gracious things that can add meaning to our lives. If our work is something we do to get to something else, this can lead to frustration and despair. But if we are fortunate enough to have work that we enjoy as an end in itself, our work will add meaning to our lives. Let’s face it, most of the trouble we get into with the work of our hands is when we fail to keep work in its place. We become obsessive or we try to secure ourselves through our work. As far as Ecclesiastes is concerned, all of this is merely striving after the wind and it comes to nothing. How much better to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, the day-to-day routines, the rhythm of it all.
Do you need to pursue more balance in your work life?
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many of Ware’s patients said that they had suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became the unique individuals they were capable of becoming. They were so busy trying to please others that they sold themselves out. Many developed illnesses that Ware felt related to the bitterness and resentment they carried. It’s not easy to speak honestly and truthfully to another person, especially if you expect that what you have to say will be upsetting. And it won’t always go smoothly when you do get the courage to speak. The other person might react out of anger or some kind of pain, but often this passes. When we’re able to change the pattern of interaction and speak honestly, in the end it can raise the relationship to a new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
Do you express your feelings honestly and respectfully to the people in your life?
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often Ware’s patients would not truly realize the full benefits of friendships until their dying weeks when it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip away over the years. Indeed, it seems that everyone who researches happiness from contemporary scientists to ancient philosophers agrees that having strong social bonds is probably the most meaningful contributor to happiness. It’s common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. Ware writes that though her patients often wanted to get their financial affairs in order, this was more for the benefit of those they were leaving behind. Ultimately it wasn’t money or status that held true importance for her patients. It all came down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remained in their final weeks, love and relationships.
Would your life be better if you made it a priority to nurture friendships?
I wish I had let myself be happier.
Many of Ware’s patients didn’t realize until the end that, to a great extent, happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. Fear of change led them into complacency where they pretended, to others and to themselves, that they were content, when really they longed for more laughter and joy and happiness in their lives. Gretchen Walsh talks about this in her book, The Happiness Project. The “set-point” theory of happiness holds that a person’s basic level of happiness doesn’t fluctuate much, except briefly. Walsh, however, concluded that it was absolutely possible to improve one’s level of happiness. According to current research, in the determination of a person’s level of happiness, genetics accounts for about 50 percent; life circumstances, such as age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, income, health, occupation, and religious affiliation, account for about 10 to 20 percent; and the remainder is a product of how a person things and acts. In other words, people have an inborn disposition that’s set within a certain range, but they can boost themselves to the top of their happiness range or push themselves down to the bottom of their happiness range by their actions. Some people are more naturally ebullient or melancholy than others, but people’s decision about how they want to lead their lives greatly affects their happiness.
Could you make decisions that would increase your happiness?
We are like all the patients that Bronnie Ware worked with in hospice. At some point, we will all die. I don’t know of any of us who knows whether or not it will be soon, but given that we are on the cusp of a new year, looking back at 2011 and toward 2012, it is interesting to consider these top five regrets of the dying. After all, one year is dying, with just a few hours left, and a brand new year stretches out in front of us in boundless possibility. What do you want your life in 2012 to look like? Human beings are capable of making enormous change if we desire. Don’t wait for a crisis to happen before you make the changes that will lead you to a more vital, satisfying, meaningful, happy life. ‘Tis the season to celebrate the incarnation, the Word made flesh, the coming of Jesus into our lives. In John 10:10, Jesus says, “I came that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” Pursuing our own abundant life is not a selfish act. It is a gift that we give ourselves and everyone around us. Give it to yourself this year.
(Read silently, then read aloud, softly and at your own pace.)
Many: Creative God, you make all things new in heaven and on earth.
We come to you in this new year with new desires and old fears,
new decisions and old controversies,
new dreams and old weaknesses.
Because you are a God of hope,
we know that you create all the possibilities of the future.
Because you are a God of love,
we know that you accept all the mistakes of the past.
Because you are the God of our faith,
we enter your gates with thanksgiving and praise,
and we serve and bless you. Amen.
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